I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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