I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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