and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
