Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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