Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
