I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I party with great urgency now.
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