How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Randomize
