Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
