I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
