just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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