i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
