Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
