My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
