i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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