I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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