its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
