So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
