please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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