There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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