FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He shit in the fireplace
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
