um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
