i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
