Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
