she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
