the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
