My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
