I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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