I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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