I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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