when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I love having hate sex.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
