I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
