Can Purell be used as lube?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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