I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
