Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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