I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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