Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
