im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
