life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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