i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
