i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
