I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
