Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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