was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
