you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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