i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
