Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
