I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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