My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
