I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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