Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Rumble strips road head = magical
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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