why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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