1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
