You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
