Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
