A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
